i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
