I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize