im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
