You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
