I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
