Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
