i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
