I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
