I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
