Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
