you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
