I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
