Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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