I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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