I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
