Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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