I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
