he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
