he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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