I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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