Got a toothbrush?
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize