Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize