before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
