i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize