Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
