Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
