He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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