cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
