Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
