u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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