I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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