from now on my penis is your penis
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize