i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Blood and glitter go together right?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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