You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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