You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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