just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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