you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
