I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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