is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
