Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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