currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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