I hope mine doesn't look like that
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
