A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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