saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
