I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize