Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize