On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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