Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I have already put on my inside pants.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
