mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
