my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize