did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize