It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
