i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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