i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize