I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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