I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Your dad touched me again.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
