so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
