I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
