Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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