i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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