I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
