Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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