I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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