last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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