i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
