sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
