Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The beer is more important than you right now.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
