Will you blow on my dice?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize