I have demons in me.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
