I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
