I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
When did angry sex become our thing?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
