I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
