Swine flu. Run for my life!
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
