tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize