Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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