If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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