my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
