Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
