Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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