I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
