Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
