I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
